Past is forgotten

So let's start this with explaining my mother married my mother when I was hmm like 3, he was abusive. My mother stayed at home with me and my two older sisters from her first marriage, he cheated on her in that one my older sister caught him kissing the babysitter. Funny thing is my mom ran a private day home from when I could remeber till I was 12.

We'll I don't remeber much about my life before just random things here and there. What I remeber was my mom brushing my Hair one morning I must have been 7 or so. It was just before school and she asked what I thought if her and my dad split up, I basicly said I didn't care since I was too occupied all the time with friends to notice that parents should always be togather.
From a young age I Honeslty didn't care about things like relationships... Sad to say but it's true.

I went to school that say and remeber talking to a girl named Sarah about it, don't knwo what I said but I remeber discussing it and still not being fazed by it what so ever. My mom left his bags in the living room one more ing and kicked him out.

He was abusive, my mom had enough. I remeber on my 8 or 9 the birthday my dad coming to say happy birthday and my cousin calling the cops on him, yup on my birthday with a bunch of friends around outside cops came and escorted my dad away, traumatic right? Maybe so back then, but now it's like any other time.
Well on many other occasions cops were called,. My aunt banging on our front window yelling, my dad kicking the door in, me crying on the stairs with my little sister wanting to see my father.  My dad has always been good to us kids he has always tried his best, at that time he wasn't physically hurting us kids, other then a spank if we were out of line and that's fair! But my mother pretty much kept us away from him. It took around ten years for an official divorce! The judge just oulfbt understand.

I was never to take sides, I always felt my parents loved and cared for my sister and I evenly.the had joint custody of us, however in most cases that means one has to be the "primary" care giver which was my mother of course. Other times cops were called was when us kids got older and I was a bigger brat and pain in the ass so jr.high and highschool, I would want to go to my moms. And e wouldn't let me. My dad and I would fight and I would stand up to myself so instead of just hiding in my room I would fight back (as a kid I always kicked or ripped up things had a temper) but as a teenager I was fighting my dad. Throwing books, pushing back and everything.  So of course my father was abusive, we would argue in the car and he would just smack me. I would jump out of the car and run... I would run away from home. In jr high  I was around girls who were having sex by the age of 12 doing E and smoking pot and drinking.
Back story, in grad 5 or 6 I found a pipe, my friend was laughing thinking it was a tap to a sink... And some how a 10 year old knew what a pipe was.... Sad sad lol. Oh and porno magazines to, I played truth or dare with friends and made out with girls and played house with girls...
Back to jr high... I had several boyfriends(still a virgine and didn't do E)
High school hit and I was out partying every weekend with my best friend and smoking weed every night (still went to school everyday!) I had  my first official job in high school other then baby sitting which I started at 11. I was working  at a commissary. Made decent money but didn't last long, too out of the way. So I started at DQ yay! So cool right? Lol I worked around 3-4 times a week.  Did that for a year. Got fired because I called in sick and didn't find a replacment in time since I was still at school with a dead phone feeling like shit... Oh well!

At this time my mother and I go along well, my dad and I nope! By the time grade 12 hit my mother was getting back onto drinking a lot and I was being kicked out of her house too a lot more, once with my best friend and I in the middle of winter with snow past out knees at spring 10:30 at night cause I called her an alcoholic! Once again started working at DQ . I graduated couldn't find a job for the first year since it was 2009 right after the recession and no job available. I was per mentaly living at my
Moms then, finaly got a job at the place I have now been for 4 1/2  years. Paying rent every month , phone bill and my own bus pass. Still got kicked out! Moved in wth my dad, it was ok till he got his nasty ass girlfriend and now I'm living with my boyfriend of  5 1/2 years in our own apartment!

There is a lot more I could say about my life. Like my wonderful step father his unfortanant son basicly molested me, my friends brother who did the same and my other friend father who did the same.

In the end I want people to understand, I have been molested, abused, raised by an alcoholic, friends who were having sex young, doing all sorta of drugs, dropping out do school and getting preg.

Doesn't change that I have never done any drug other then weed and mushrooms(did those once) I go out maybe once ever two months partying. I own my own car, dog, cat, rent my own apartment, work a decent job in accounts receivable, graduated, pay all my bills on time, travel and have a wonderful boyfriend.


So if you read all that above where would you have thought I would be now?

I do have my days like anyone else I have bad anxiety over no control but I handle it, it's life. So bring on anything and everything bitch! Ahahaha

He's the king of me! Is he realy?

So I'm sitting here thinking.

GOD that big word!

 Is he real? If I don't believe in him does he still even exist?
If I died would he except me if I didn't believe? Is our "god" everyone's god? Is he racist?
Who found the all of holy books the bible? Is Buddha same as Krishna? Why can we believe that when we go onto some sort of after life regardless of what or who you believe we all are happy. Why must there be a hell.

I understand people have hate towards other who do unimaginable things. Murder. Rape. Abuse. But on top of all those we all have to know everyone is an innocent. Weather that had been them being a child, and elderly person, a mother just something. Even if they were terrible
Terrible people they had once done that one impressionable thing That makes them an innocent.
This one person was once some ones brother, sister, child, parent, lover or friend. And that makes them real. When one dies all of them does. Not the memories I understand but everything els does. Their mind, soul, heart everything. So why must this innocent be condemned to some so called hell where they burn for life in pain and agony? So if god is real and forgives everyone n everything then why would my one be possible to go to hell?

I feel people use to much of what they read as being the only facts in life. What happens to the time when reading was unnecessary and  people actually used their brains and hearts to do what's right or even what wrong.

Let me get this out there I am not saying murderers, rapists and all that terrible stuff are amazing holy people. I'm just saying weather they are pure now they once had been even for a moment. And we have to remember that. I never expect some one to forget a terrible thing or even forgive for it. I feel we just need to understand, what exactly I'm insure but we just need to learn with our own mind and heart.




I'm sorry for a once again all over blog, seems they don't go anywhere. How ever I want you to remember that we are all human and everyone deserves happiness in the end of life. Love you and I'll be back soon :)

A true mind

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It's Sunday, fun day! I'm just laying in my bed doing absolutely nothing. I feel society have this idea that the only great days are on the weekend. I enjoy doing nothing and everything...everyday. Is that not how it should be? My mind has too many thoughts to bring out, I can't just have one subject. I need to just type about everything.
 I feel myself some days slipping away from the ones I care about as I grow older, not because I'm pushing them away or anything, more that it's the fact that I am actually growing, finding who I am and where I wanna be and all that shit. My friends no longer get me, my family never has. I want to jump in my car and drive, just drive anywhere, don't stop till I'm happy with the place get out and enjoy it.  But that's where the movie scene end and real life comes in, I have to be practical. I have to pay my bills, and work. In order to travel I need money, not saying I need lots any one can get by on nothing I see it every day, I grew up a lot that way. I am a terrible writer, I failed English and barley got by when I did end up passing... But I guess blogs are for thoughts and yourself, I never imagin anyone actually reading these or caring but I'll try doing them for myself as often as possible.


Man I sound depressed, I'm not. I may not love everything about my life or myself. But I'm content in this moment with what I have, there is always that urge for "something more" for anything but in reality you have what you have and enjoy what you have. 
I think this summer I will try getting out more often be who I feel I am as a person inside and stop limiting myself. Camping is a must, motorcycle license is a want, buy a mountain bike and go out and ride it.... Found out long boarding just isn't for me.


We'll I'll leave you guys with this picture of a llama!

Banana

What am I planning on writing today? No clue. I'm all reality I just felt like typing, about nothing in particular for no on in particular. Just writing! In all honestly in bored in my bath sick and have a migraine but I can't sit still so I have to do something. Halloween just past and it's crazy how little make up people add to their costume compared to their daily make up. Don't get me wrong I used to be guilty on slathering that shit on like a mask, but iv currently become comfortable with who I am that's not saying these girls are not comfortable with who they are just cause they wear make up. That was just my way of hiding when I was less comfortable. I grew up being called anorexic or scrawny and all that stuff, after high school I gained maybe 30lb and now my mom likes to call me fat lmao! Fat?! Why cause I'm 140lb at the hight of 5'5" really that makes me even slightly large? (Don't start judging my family they are all messed up but I truly love them)  however I habe three sisters all weigh under 110lb and my mother aswell, however they don't have boobs or a but so I got the whole package. So appernelty that makes me fat. But I'm now officially comfortable wrih myself. I can go outworn absolutely no make up on with my hair up in comfy pants and a short and strut my stuff down the streets with no care on the world that's how people should be. Any ways my migraine is a bitch and bothering me too much now so I'm going! Have a wonderful like you all! Love you oxoxox

First post.

So I just want to start off saying I am no enligh major, nor am I any good at blogging.
However I want people to know my feeling on life weather I'm right or wrong.
So lets just start with the basics, I and 22 years old living in Calgary. I work a 40 hours a week with additional hours here and there. I love the people I work with, however the job is not the best. I live with my boyfriend of four years (none of that we had a "break" here and there bull shit) and my best friend and her stupid ass boyfriend. He will come up later I'm sure. I have cat and a dog, recently has the pleasure of getting my car stolen from a station, also had the pleasure of paying 400$ to get it back! Yay! Broken ignition, lock. And bumper. Luckily I had a extra all season  tire for the one these dicks shredded. I'm not complaint too much since I did get lucky and get it back. So since I started with the "basics" ill continue with more later. Cya!